Bring Back The Biff!

Ok, so you don't know me. I am Mr. Hyde… who “unhydes” when the good old Dr. Jekyll goes to sleep. I can tell you he doesn’t like me, but ..z..z..z..z....better not waste time.

I say bring back the Biff in cricket! What’s wrong with the cricket world? NZ and Aussies are having a terrific series sharing an ugly love, of the game as well as of the opposition. Instead of celebrating that, all are whining! If you believe sledging was bad, you better get your head examined. I believe cricket is a sissy game, or how can you explain a bloke with a bat in his hand complaining to the umpire, match referee, journalists, prime minister, his wife and even Mr. Spock, when the bowler doubts his lineage in no uncertain terms? Why not use it on his head!!

Cum’on, cricket is such a slow, boring simmer, it needs an ignition, a fire, an explosion like the good old contact sports. Whack, crash, tackle, bang and you get your money’s worth. All this nonsense about “threading the ball through the gap”…blah..blah..blah…if you want to thread, why not go to the sissy tailoring class?? What is wrong with a bit of a bang on the crash helmet? Have you ever heard a Rugby or an American Football players complain? Don’t you know some heads are like hard hats anyways!! Can you imagine the GGT “Great God Tendulkar” (henceforth SRT is renamed so) attracting cricket HATERS to the game?? Tell you what; Mitch Johnson can..and so could Merve Hughes;.the same Merve the Mo, who actually used his spit as a weapon on the Kiwi batsman, Mark Greatbach!! A bit of a spit on the sheep steak on a barbie, that’s what adds to the taste, maaate! Why complain about it? Even the Kiwi liked it. I mean, cum’on why else would Merve the Mo be a selector; often he doesn’t even know domestic players that he is supposed to select from! Duh!


Tell you what, there is a lot of debate going on about how cricket could survive in today’s times. This load of crap about the Spirit of the law and all that sissy stuff of no cursing/ sledging/ pushing is what is actually killing the game; not the bloody T20; that is da real think. But hey, for all Bollywood sentimentals and tear-wipers if test cricket is what it takes, hell, why not add a bit of fun to it? Here is how to do that..and again ugly aussies are the inventors (anything new to happen to cricket has come from Australia..remember the two-balls cricket?). Why not mix just a bit of Rugby rules into cricket?

Picture this; a batsman hits the ball, or as you call “threading”, a fielder is running after it to stop from crossing the boundary; and suddenly a player from the batting side (let us call him a forward) runs on to the field and crash tackles the fielder..Bang! and the spectators forget all about the ball and the batsman. Watching the fielders get crash-tackled is the real fun, man! Also from what I hear, spectators like to see the fours and sixes. Of course, the forwards will not be allowed on the field till the ball is bowled. And also other fielders can assist their mate from being tackled. I mean, the rules must be fair, for chris’ sake.

Another interesting innovation that will be a great success is that a fielder can also tackle the batsman while he is trying to take a run. And it is only fair that a batsman is free to use his bat to reach the crease. I mean, let's make it a bit more “competitive”. The stupid rule of “Obstruction” should be the first one to be scratched off the MCC Book of Cricket Laws.

Picture another scenario; the bowler gets hit for a six and obviously does not believe it is fair (just as Mitch was completely justified in believing when he head-butted that Styrofoam inside the helmet!), what does he do? GLARE?? What a rot; again as per the democratic norm, he should be allowed to get even, by having one crack at the batsman….by chucking a fast one at his head or body…see what you can do with THAT champ? Didn't some one say, don't get angry, get even?? Since no runs can be scored of that delivery, all the fielders must come in, close to the pitch and can shout profanities at the batsman while the bowler is taking a swing. That is what I would call as a real Free-hit, not this other ridiculous thing in the vogue in limited overs cricket. This would also take care of multitude of complaints about how cricket has become batsman friendly...bring back a bit of balance to the game, eh?

Cricket is so sissy…half the time the players are sitting, talking, watching TV, playing Nintendo, sleeping, playing cards(!!), talking on the mobile phone (bookies or fans) and still call themselves playing cricket?? Imagine if you do that at work; what would your boss say? Ask any true Aussie who has chucked a sickie to watch the game and got caught on the camera! Poor fellow paid with his pay for the day apart from his gate money! Better make these over-paid and under-worked cricketers provide entertainment instead of sitting on their back sides. Let us say, those who are not designated “forwards” as described above, can “perform”. There should be at least four stages set up out side the boundary rope and players can jump up on the stage to do the “Darde Disko” when their mate hits a four or a six. Imagine the GGT boogying when Appam hits a four!! This will also give the substitutes to "get involved" in the game! And all the batsmen will have to shake in an inverse proportion to the runs they score…meaning less they score more they dance. After all, they must earn the handsome amounts they are paid!

Tell you what, no one will ever complain about dwindling crowds in cricket…..and finally women’s cricket will get its due in the world cricket; actually it may even surpass men’s game in crowd numbers!!! If you know what I mean..;-)